You know you're a * DJ when..

Regulars of my various profile sites on social networks will remember this one, it’s an old classic I wrote some time ago, and now the new blog’s up - I thought I’d add it here, with a few improvements..

What kind of DJ are you?…
You know you’re a bedroom DJ when…

* You think Technics decks are the dogs bollocks, even though you’ve never used them.
* You have, at some point owned a Numark or Vestax Mixer.
* The best needles are ‘concordes’ even though their real name is a Stanton Trackmaster - and yes, you’ve never used them either…
* You play Bounce, Bassline or Hard House.
* You think mics are rubbish, MCs are cool and you’re not a DJ unless you can scratch..
* Your mate is an MC.
* Your world ends if you screw up a mix, and its usually your mates fault for MC’ing over the mix, hence ‘putting you off’
* You’re better than any of the DJs that work in the bars in town, even though if you were offered a slot in one of them you’d shit yourself…
* You’re too cool to take requests, regardless of no matter what your MC mate asks you for, you probably would’nt have it anyway..
* You think the Gain knob on the mixer is a slang term for ‘Extra Volume’
* You wear ‘witty’ shirts or have DJ equipment such as slipmatts that refer to your job with innuendos like “DJ’s Do It With 12 Inches” or “Fuck Off I’m Mixing”
* Everything has your name on it - including your slipmatts..

You know you’re a commercial DJ when…

* You’ve never used any decks, cause all your tracks are on CD - or a laptop.
* You mix tracks by simply fading one into another, talking over the mix as you do so…
* You do requests - especially for girls with large breasts.
* You’re at least in your 30’s
* You do a ‘party set’
* You have every tune known in the common universe, however 90% of them never get played due to your venues ‘music policy’
* You remember the days when ‘town was a lot busier’
* You know what a ‘Get Out Of Jail Free Card’ is..
* When you’re not working, you use your witty comebacks as conversation. A lot.
* The last time you had a real night out was when you were a barman, and didnt give a fuck about what the DJ was playing just like everyone does’nt today.

You know you’re a Dance DJ when…

* You’ve ‘had this track for ages, months before it even came out’ even though no-one really gives a shit.
* You think the whole club has come to see you, not their mates…
* You can mix tracks with surgical precision, and never drop a beat - and you get annoyed cause no-one ever notices, until you fuck it up that is..
* You NEVER use a mic, you talk with your tunes…
* You think party DJs are cunts who get paid too much, cant mix and work in the wrong places.
* ‘DON’T TALK TO ME WHILE I’M IN A MIX!!!…’
* You think it’s cool to wear the trendiest outfits, even though no-one can see you anyway cause you’re either hidden by the smoke machine or your head’s stuck near the monitor speaker so you can get that mix perfect…
* Your girlfriend, if you have one - thinks she owns the fucking place.

You know you’re a Radio DJ when…

* You have to time what you’re saying to the exact second of when a track breaks.. Something you do even when you’re in a car and the radio’s on..
* You don’t DJ - You ‘Drive’
* You hate silence - even if it’s for a split second.
* You point out every other DJ’s mistakes - right down to when they fumble a single word.
* You seem overjoyed when another Jock gives out an incorrect name for a track that’s just played - despite the fact that it was probably only you that noticed..
* You say that radio DJ’s talk too much - even though you do it yourself.
* You can’t tell a joke to save your life.
* You think its necessary to tell the world who wrote the track you’re playing, when it came out and what the remixers dogs name is..
* You cant and won’t mix.
* You go ’shhhhh’ and put you hand up a split second before you say something, as if you were live on air.

You know you’re a function DJ when…

* You need a van to set up.
* Your sound system is ‘better than most bars in town’
* You have you’re own ‘laser’
* You own at least 1 megamix which gets played ‘while everyone gets to know each other’
* You own ever track ever made ‘just in case someone asks for it’
* You panic when someone asks for The Prodigy
* You get paid more than any of the other DJs in this list.
* Everything you own comes in either Black, Grey or Stucco - with chrome handles.
* You own a ‘cube’
* You have a taste for sausage rolls, quiche and Vol au Vents.
* You think old people shouldnt sit near bass bins.

And finally..

Before all the hatemail comes in from discruntled DJs or punters alike, I’d like to clear a few things up first..

1: I have or have done, in the past most of the things listed in this article..
2: I know the correct term for the ‘concordes’ is not Trackmaster, but then what would I know - I’ve never used them :D
3: I really don’t care.