Regulars of my various profile sites on social networks will remember this one, it’s an old classic I wrote some time ago, and now the new blog’s up - I thought I’d add it here, with a few improvements..
What kind of DJ are you?…
You know you’re a bedroom DJ when…
* You think Technics decks are the dogs bollocks, even though you’ve never used them.
* You have, at some point owned a Numark or Vestax Mixer.
* The best needles are ‘concordes’ even though their real name is a Stanton Trackmaster - and yes, you’ve never used them either…
* You play Bounce, Bassline or Hard House.
* You think mics are rubbish, MCs are cool and you’re not a DJ unless you can scratch..
* Your mate is an MC.
* Your world ends if you screw up a mix, and its usually your mates fault for MC’ing over the mix, hence ‘putting you off’
* You’re better than any of the DJs that work in the bars in town, even though if you were offered a slot in one of them you’d shit yourself…
* You’re too cool to take requests, regardless of no matter what your MC mate asks you for, you probably would’nt have it anyway..
* You think the Gain knob on the mixer is a slang term for ‘Extra Volume’
* You wear ‘witty’ shirts or have DJ equipment such as slipmatts that refer to your job with innuendos like “DJ’s Do It With 12 Inches” or “Fuck Off I’m Mixing”
* Everything has your name on it - including your slipmatts..
You know you’re a commercial DJ when…
* You’ve never used any decks, cause all your tracks are on CD - or a laptop.
* You mix tracks by simply fading one into another, talking over the mix as you do so…
* You do requests - especially for girls with large breasts.
* You’re at least in your 30’s
* You do a ‘party set’
* You have every tune known in the common universe, however 90% of them never get played due to your venues ‘music policy’
* You remember the days when ‘town was a lot busier’
* You know what a ‘Get Out Of Jail Free Card’ is..
* When you’re not working, you use your witty comebacks as conversation. A lot.
* The last time you had a real night out was when you were a barman, and didnt give a fuck about what the DJ was playing just like everyone does’nt today.
You know you’re a Dance DJ when…
* You’ve ‘had this track for ages, months before it even came out’ even though no-one really gives a shit.
* You think the whole club has come to see you, not their mates…
* You can mix tracks with surgical precision, and never drop a beat - and you get annoyed cause no-one ever notices, until you fuck it up that is..
* You NEVER use a mic, you talk with your tunes…
* You think party DJs are cunts who get paid too much, cant mix and work in the wrong places.
* ‘DON’T TALK TO ME WHILE I’M IN A MIX!!!…’
* You think it’s cool to wear the trendiest outfits, even though no-one can see you anyway cause you’re either hidden by the smoke machine or your head’s stuck near the monitor speaker so you can get that mix perfect…
* Your girlfriend, if you have one - thinks she owns the fucking place.
You know you’re a Radio DJ when…
* You have to time what you’re saying to the exact second of when a track breaks.. Something you do even when you’re in a car and the radio’s on..
* You don’t DJ - You ‘Drive’
* You hate silence - even if it’s for a split second.
* You point out every other DJ’s mistakes - right down to when they fumble a single word.
* You seem overjoyed when another Jock gives out an incorrect name for a track that’s just played - despite the fact that it was probably only you that noticed..
* You say that radio DJ’s talk too much - even though you do it yourself.
* You can’t tell a joke to save your life.
* You think its necessary to tell the world who wrote the track you’re playing, when it came out and what the remixers dogs name is..
* You cant and won’t mix.
* You go ’shhhhh’ and put you hand up a split second before you say something, as if you were live on air.
You know you’re a function DJ when…
* You need a van to set up.
* Your sound system is ‘better than most bars in town’
* You have you’re own ‘laser’
* You own at least 1 megamix which gets played ‘while everyone gets to know each other’
* You own ever track ever made ‘just in case someone asks for it’
* You panic when someone asks for The Prodigy
* You get paid more than any of the other DJs in this list.
* Everything you own comes in either Black, Grey or Stucco - with chrome handles.
* You own a ‘cube’
* You have a taste for sausage rolls, quiche and Vol au Vents.
* You think old people shouldnt sit near bass bins.
And finally..
Before all the hatemail comes in from discruntled DJs or punters alike, I’d like to clear a few things up first..
1: I have or have done, in the past most of the things listed in this article..
2: I know the correct term for the ‘concordes’ is not Trackmaster, but then what would I know - I’ve never used them :D
3: I really don’t care.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Is it the end of clubbing, or just the beginning?..
Well, it’s a bizzare post to write I guess - but it’s something that’s been bothering me for quite some time - and due to me witnessing this phenomenon first hand, I’m sure some of you may agree with me on this one.
This may start a debate or two - but I guess there’s only one way to find out;
Oh well, here goes…
One of the biggest cultures of the United Kingdom is not the proms, our football heritage or the Queens speech at Christmas - it’s our passion for one of probably our most important social activity, namely the art of the traditional British night out.
Sounds like a big statement - but think of it in greater detail, Without british clubbing culture - House music would still be in the States, There would be no Ibiza, No package holidays and definetly no nightclubs.
Well, as a lot of you may have seen this already, some of you first hand through working experience, and some of you as clubbers but is it just me or has clubbing gone a bit ‘too’ corporate?
The bars are dying, the clubs are emptying, numbers are down by their millions due to a simple law that makes it illegal to smoke a cigarette..
Taxes and restrictions on alcohol are now at an extorionate rate, and to add insult to injury - now we can’t drink as much or smoke we can visit a club for longer hours.
It just does’nt make sense. I forsee a ‘domino effect’ already - beer taxes are on the increase so venues are passing this extra expense onto us the clubbers, the cost of a night out has tripled because of this and as a result the attendance figures of clubs are lower than they have ever been.
Bars all over the country are paying less for entertainment, charging more for drinks and no-longer concentrating on what matters most - giving the client (the customer) a better night out. As a result, smaller venues are suffering and people are seeing venues closing in their dozens within a matter of months.
It started with the working mens clubs eariler this year due to the smoking ban, but now it’s reached us - namely the clubbers.
I forsee a future where buying alcohol illegally will take over the drugs trade due to extortionate tax laws, smoking is treated as a class B drug and music is limited to the level in which it’s played.
The health and safety brigade will eventually get their own way and smoke machines will be outlawed because it obscures people’s vision and it will be a threat to their well-being..
We will be drinking out of paper cups because plastic isnt biodegradable enough and all music will be censored so it doesnt offend anyone.
Amongst all this, singing and dancing will be seen as a risk to the safety of others and premises will be pressured to keep it under control.
As a result, people will resort to hosting sercret underground parties where smoking, taking drugs and drinking whatever they want will be commonplace, where the music will be unrestricted and played at whatever level the organisers feel is fit to do so.
Sound familiar? - well cast your minds back to the late 80’s and early 90’s…
Ladies and gentlemen, clubbing is about to turn full circle all over again - so much for society moving into the future eh?
You mark my words boys and girls - I’ve seen the future, and it happened 20 years ago.
My final words to the Government are thus;
Charge whatever you want for a packet of cigarettes, steal all our hard earned cash via your so-called ‘taxes’ - fine us for smoking if you want to..
But keep your thieving, greedy hands off the only thing that England has remaining, our beacon to people - to which half of the planet looks up to for reference and as an example of how to ‘do it right’..
Leave the traditional British ‘night out’ alone.
It’s the only thing we’ve got left to look forward to the weekend for.
This may start a debate or two - but I guess there’s only one way to find out;
Oh well, here goes…
One of the biggest cultures of the United Kingdom is not the proms, our football heritage or the Queens speech at Christmas - it’s our passion for one of probably our most important social activity, namely the art of the traditional British night out.
Sounds like a big statement - but think of it in greater detail, Without british clubbing culture - House music would still be in the States, There would be no Ibiza, No package holidays and definetly no nightclubs.
Well, as a lot of you may have seen this already, some of you first hand through working experience, and some of you as clubbers but is it just me or has clubbing gone a bit ‘too’ corporate?
The bars are dying, the clubs are emptying, numbers are down by their millions due to a simple law that makes it illegal to smoke a cigarette..
Taxes and restrictions on alcohol are now at an extorionate rate, and to add insult to injury - now we can’t drink as much or smoke we can visit a club for longer hours.
It just does’nt make sense. I forsee a ‘domino effect’ already - beer taxes are on the increase so venues are passing this extra expense onto us the clubbers, the cost of a night out has tripled because of this and as a result the attendance figures of clubs are lower than they have ever been.
Bars all over the country are paying less for entertainment, charging more for drinks and no-longer concentrating on what matters most - giving the client (the customer) a better night out. As a result, smaller venues are suffering and people are seeing venues closing in their dozens within a matter of months.
It started with the working mens clubs eariler this year due to the smoking ban, but now it’s reached us - namely the clubbers.
I forsee a future where buying alcohol illegally will take over the drugs trade due to extortionate tax laws, smoking is treated as a class B drug and music is limited to the level in which it’s played.
The health and safety brigade will eventually get their own way and smoke machines will be outlawed because it obscures people’s vision and it will be a threat to their well-being..
We will be drinking out of paper cups because plastic isnt biodegradable enough and all music will be censored so it doesnt offend anyone.
Amongst all this, singing and dancing will be seen as a risk to the safety of others and premises will be pressured to keep it under control.
As a result, people will resort to hosting sercret underground parties where smoking, taking drugs and drinking whatever they want will be commonplace, where the music will be unrestricted and played at whatever level the organisers feel is fit to do so.
Sound familiar? - well cast your minds back to the late 80’s and early 90’s…
Ladies and gentlemen, clubbing is about to turn full circle all over again - so much for society moving into the future eh?
You mark my words boys and girls - I’ve seen the future, and it happened 20 years ago.
My final words to the Government are thus;
Charge whatever you want for a packet of cigarettes, steal all our hard earned cash via your so-called ‘taxes’ - fine us for smoking if you want to..
But keep your thieving, greedy hands off the only thing that England has remaining, our beacon to people - to which half of the planet looks up to for reference and as an example of how to ‘do it right’..
Leave the traditional British ‘night out’ alone.
It’s the only thing we’ve got left to look forward to the weekend for.
Friday, September 12, 2008
A spot of morning mathematics...
Don’t ask me why but for some reason I had a bit of a deep thinking session this morning when I got out of bed.
I was wondering to myself (as I often do) how long I have left in me to live in the world we all refer to as clubland, so while I had a spare moment in hand I decided to work it out…
Using these basic figures, I came up with the following, and I’m sure you’ll find the figures rather interesting…
* There are 52 weeks in a year, so thats 110 main evenings (Fridays and Saturdays)
* Each year has 5 Bank Holiday Sundays
* Plus my Birthday
* I’m 32 years old
* The average clubber continues clubbing until they hit approx 40 years old.
So, I have:
* 8 Years left in me.
* Thats 40 Bank Holiday Sundays
* Thats 416 Weekends
* 208 Friday or Saturday nights
* Plus 8 Birthdays
* Of which only 4 will fall on a weekend.
* I drink on average 8 pints in a weekend and consume roughly 6 Sambucas
* Thats 3328 Pints and 2496 Sambucas (at 32 shots in a bottle, thats 78 bottles!)
And at the end of it all - I’ve worked out that it would take roughly 3744 hours to recover from the hangover (That’s 156 days)
No wonder I feel rough this morning.
I was wondering to myself (as I often do) how long I have left in me to live in the world we all refer to as clubland, so while I had a spare moment in hand I decided to work it out…
Using these basic figures, I came up with the following, and I’m sure you’ll find the figures rather interesting…
* There are 52 weeks in a year, so thats 110 main evenings (Fridays and Saturdays)
* Each year has 5 Bank Holiday Sundays
* Plus my Birthday
* I’m 32 years old
* The average clubber continues clubbing until they hit approx 40 years old.
So, I have:
* 8 Years left in me.
* Thats 40 Bank Holiday Sundays
* Thats 416 Weekends
* 208 Friday or Saturday nights
* Plus 8 Birthdays
* Of which only 4 will fall on a weekend.
* I drink on average 8 pints in a weekend and consume roughly 6 Sambucas
* Thats 3328 Pints and 2496 Sambucas (at 32 shots in a bottle, thats 78 bottles!)
And at the end of it all - I’ve worked out that it would take roughly 3744 hours to recover from the hangover (That’s 156 days)
No wonder I feel rough this morning.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Silvers changes colour - again...
Silvers, commonly known as the old Coiners bar on Silver Street on Halifax is to change it’s name - again!
The bar, which is becoming a bit of a nightmare venue for many bar managers is to change it’s name and management again. This time it’s losing it’s Silvers name and changing colour to.. Bar Rouge, or Rouge.
The new owners, who currently own La Salsa & Barbarellas, also situated on Silver Street plan to make the venue into a wine bar & restaurant. The plans for the top floors of the premises are still unknown.
The previous names of the venue have been: Silvers (2006-Present Day), Nv (2002-2005) and it’s name which still stands as its most popular remembered monicker, Coiners (1995 - 2002).
The bar, which is becoming a bit of a nightmare venue for many bar managers is to change it’s name and management again. This time it’s losing it’s Silvers name and changing colour to.. Bar Rouge, or Rouge.
The new owners, who currently own La Salsa & Barbarellas, also situated on Silver Street plan to make the venue into a wine bar & restaurant. The plans for the top floors of the premises are still unknown.
The previous names of the venue have been: Silvers (2006-Present Day), Nv (2002-2005) and it’s name which still stands as its most popular remembered monicker, Coiners (1995 - 2002).
A brief cameo for the angels!...
The Halifax Street Angels, a local volunteer service which patrols the streets of Halifax on a regular basis have included some footage of Dannie presenting an intro to their 3 minute street report on the Street Angels website. The organisation aids the police and other local authorities in maintaining the streets of the Town Centre every weekend. Dealing with incidents such as informing the police about revellers who are voilent towards other members of the public.
Recently they were in Halifax with their cameras and they passed the Cell bar on Georges Square and Dannie happened to be having a cigarette break at the time, so they asked him to do a quick take for their video - which they eventually used at the beginning and end of the footage.
The video can be seen here: http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=4833755469912183589
Recently they were in Halifax with their cameras and they passed the Cell bar on Georges Square and Dannie happened to be having a cigarette break at the time, so they asked him to do a quick take for their video - which they eventually used at the beginning and end of the footage.
The video can be seen here: http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=4833755469912183589
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